They Must Learn to Fight Their Own Battles

Once a Dad said to me: "Kids today are growing up in a world of instant gratification. I'm going to make sure that my daughter understands the value of hard work." My first thought was that this guy gets it. But then the words "make sure" raised a red flag. Sure enough as the discussion unfolded my worst fears were realized. He was going to "make sure" his daughter worked hard......while pursuing HIS goals for her. She was 8 years old! He had created what amounted to a business plan devised to attract athletic scholarship offers ten years down the road! The path would be created for her by securing the services of private coaches and personal trainers and through placement on "select" teams that best suited her development.

This trend now extends well beyond the elementary and middle school years. Dr. Patricia Somers, an Associate Professor in UT'S College of Education has conducted extensive research on the topic. She talks about "consumer advocate parents who view each phase of the college experience as a business transaction and want the most bang for their buck. They push hard to get scholarships or other financial awards for their children and may expect what amounts to an assurance from the university that a degree in X will equal a job in Y, with a salary of Z. To keep tabs on their investment, they may expect staff and administration to overlook the Family Rights and Privacy Act and produce progress reports on demand. If any aspect of the negotiations or purchase proves unsatisfactory, they feel free to voice their ire and demand their money's worth.

This type of parenting behavior prevents children from developing skills needed to take control of their own lives. Tom Dingman, Dean of Freshmen at Harvard, reports that it is as if parents are saying 'When I can be available to you, I'm going to make all things happen for you.' "There is no recognition, he says, that by stepping up to clear the path, they're actually handicapping their sons and daughters, making them unaware that they actually have the capacities to do things themselves."

Fortunately most parents of young children do not subscribe to the business model template to raise their children. The majority of young parents that I have dealt with are simply anxious. Gone are the days when children played sports with each other until they were old enough to play for their school......usually in the 7th or 8th grade. Now their world is almost entirely organized by adults. The menu of "select" sports offerings is daunting. Anxiety comes from the pressure that parents feel to ensure that their children keep up with (or stay ahead of) their peers. It's not about the kids. It's about competition between parents and I'm convinced that most parents do not realize they're caught up in it.

Having been through the whole process with our two boys....from t-ball to college....I understand what parents today are facing. It is not easy to resist the temptation to jump in and provide structure. I would advise all parents of young children to focus on 2 things:

1. Reward their effort and hustle. Looking ahead, this matters way more than what's in the scorebook.

2. Enjoy them while they are still squirrels. The wonderful cluelessness does not last!

Observing these 2 tenets can prevent you from becoming Business Plan Dad......and empower your children to learn to fight their own battles.