Humility Breeds Self Confidence

On April 9th David Brooks wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times contrasting two different leadership styles that exist in today's corporate world. For me, the message derived from his column also resonates in a much more challenging arena......the parenting world.

Brooks describes his first class of leaders as "boardroom lions". He portrays them as "superconfident, forceful, and charismatic" always seeking "relentless transformational change." He goes on to say that "We can all point to successful leaders who display this kind of self-confidence", but contends that "charismatic C.E.O.'s often produce volatile company performances." According to Jim Collins, author of "Good to Great," boardroom lions fall prey to "seductions that mark failing organizations" such as "faith in perpetual restructuring" and "the belief that one magic move will change everything." They are in command and control mode at all times making confident projections to convey what Brooks calls, "the illusion of control."

Brooks' optimal leadership style is the 'humble hound' model. He again cites Collins' who discovered that many of the truly successful leaders combine "extreme personal humility with intense professional will." The humble hound is reflective and has "a bias for caution." While the boardroom lion relies heavily on the "illusion of control", the humble hound sees the world as "too complex and irregular to be known." Life is about "navigating uncertainty" with the belief that progress is made "through a series of regulated errors......every move a partial failure to be corrected by the next one."

The command and control mode may get results in the work world, but it is a recipe for disaster as a strategy for raising a child. Any control that a parent may have over a child in elementary school disappears forever beginning in the middle school years. One minute they are innocent, fun loving kids always seeking to please adults. Then, all of a sudden everything in their lives seems to revolve around their peers. The squirrels who were gleefully darting in and out of traffic oblivious to cars zipping by are now daring you to run over them! You can force structure on them to an extent, but any notion of actual control is an 'illusion.' They value what their parents say (even though they don't always show it), but they are on a mission to find themselves......and on a quest to someday spread their own wings.

It is impossible to predict the future for our children. Brooks' humble hound persona works well for parents when confronting this daunting reality. Like the humble hound,'humble parents' give into the notion that the world is "too complex and irregular to be known." This act of submission enables them to let go when it is in the best interests of their child. There is a big difference between helping children chart their own course and forcing "perpetual restructuring" on them. Often the best reaction to a problem a child is facing is no reaction at all. Restraint empowers children to work things out on their own. The process can be messy at times, but they'll never learn unless they are allowed to stumble and pick themselves back up. The children of 'humble parents' do not require magic moves because they have learned how to "navigate uncertainty" flying under their own power!